Wildly unpopular parenting

So the last post I touched a little on my dislike for unsolicited advice. At the end of the post I promised to post more about our choices for Benjamin and how these choices have impacted our lives. Many of our decisions are very unpopular and are met with great disdain, which always takes me by surprise because as much as I love my own friends, I don't sit around and think about how their lives are different than ours. Every family situation is unique and when you find a system that works best for your family, you should just do it regardless of how other people may feel about it. And to top it off, you shouldn't feel guilty for those decisions that you know in your heart to be the best choices for your family. And furthermore, the decisions that people make for their family should not be taken as an insult if your lifestyle or previous parenting style is a bit different. Your style is not my style and my style is not the next person's style. Again, embrace differences as just that- a difference of opinion.


One of the main decisions that we've made is about co-sleeping. I've posted on it before. Seems to still be an issue though. Benjamin was a terrible sleeper as an infant. We tried absolutely everything under the sun and when he was six weeks old, I brought him to bed with me out of pure exhaustion. For starters, I had a terrible delivery and a rough time recovering from surgery, so having an infant that quite literally required to be fed every two hours was too much for me to handle. This two hours is from start time to start time, so it was more like every hour and a half at most. I slept in his rocking chair about 75% of the time. There were days where I was so sleepy it was seriously dangerous for me to even drive. My house was a wreck (thank God I had a dishwasher) and we barely ate normal meals until he was six months old. So anyway, enough was enough, and he slept with us and was peaceful at last. He finally slept more than 5 hours a night when he was six months old. And when I tell you that we tried EVERYTHING, I am serious. Do you really think that people enjoy having their children sleep with them? A couple of years later, we learned that Benjamin is a sensory seeker and enjoys constant touch. Even to this day he sleeps better when he is right beside me. He can be clear across the bed and will move in his sleep towards me by midnight or so. No, I do not think that it works for every family or every child. Some children are wonderful sleepers and are exceptionally happy sleeping on their own. May all parents everywhere be blessed with that situation! (Maybe I can get myself one of those children one day.) Given Benjamin's medical situation, it really is the best decision as far as sleeping goes that we could have made. Being secure at night enables him to learn and grow during the day. I truly believe that co-sleeping is one of the keys that has unlocked the door to Benjamin's brain. I understand him, he understands me. People with neuro-typical children have a really hard time understanding how important that is because they have never had to deal with it first hand. Benjamin is making strides far greater than most children with autism can even dream of achieving. Statistically, he only had a 30% chance of speaking a normal language. Let's just think about that for a minute. That's 70% of people diagnosed who never speak. Isn't that something worth changing your life for? Is your child worth it to you? How much inconvenience are you willing to put up with? So you don't have as much room in your bed for a few years.... pretty small sacrifice in my book. Benjamin will eventually ask to sleep in his own bed and that will be fine with me. It's not a co-dependent relationship, trust me. In the meantime, we're okay that he is with us. Three quarters of the world agree with us.

Keeping up with the Gilliland's

The dilemma of keeping up with the Jones' materialistic style has been going on for ages and ages and I've noticed that it has spilled into the parenting world as well. I'm sure this has been going on for ages and ages as well, but I was oblivious to the parenting world for almost 28 years, so forgive me if you have made this epiphany years ago. Just nod and agree and welcome me into your "normal" world because I am feeling more abnormal as the years progress.

So my main question that I really want answered is this: When did doing what's best for YOUR child become out of fashion? Seriously, I want to know.

My second question: Why do YOU think you know what is best for a child that is not your own? Unless solicited for advice, try your best to keep it zipped tight. It's fine to have differing opinions. In fact, I applaud differing opinions as it truly makes the world go 'round. But please, unless someone specifically asks you what your opinion is on their child, keep it to yourself. (And yes, this includes the best friend, the grandparent, the neighbor, any relative at all, the nice couple at church, etc.)

James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.


This will be followed later by a more personal post on why we have made the decisions that we have made for Benjamin over the years and what has come from those decisions. Not everything we've done has been great, but we've made some wise choices for our family that are pretty unpopular. More to come.

A new song

Now I've said this before and I'm sure that I'll say it again, but Warren and I are truly blessed parents.

Benjamin is the sweetest child that I know. And of course I am saying this because I am his Mother, but really, he's quite adorable. Over the last few years, I have spent countless hours educating myself on all things autism and am finally at peace with Benjamin's diagnosis and for his future. I've been at peace with his diagnosis for quite some time really, but not so much for his future.

Everybody knows the popular song "Mighty to Save". It's on the radio, you sing it at church, it's everywhere these days. I love that song and mentioned it on this blog last year sometime. The lyric "He can move the mountains" applies to so many people. Everybody has their own mountains to move and can embrace this song. However, I want to rewrite the song lyric to "He HAS moved the mountains".

Matthew 17:20: He told them, "Because of your lack of faith. I tell you with certainty, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

We asked the mountain to move and it did. He HAS moved the mountains.

Butter

Smooth as butter! I just like butter. Eating it, talking about it, how ever I can get it. This post is actually about preschool and the transition going so well. So now that I've made you hungry...

It really could not have gone any better than it did. I only have praises of the school and his teachers. They love him, he loves them. It all works out! His last teachers loved him as well, so that part isn't a big shocker. I mean what's not to love about him? He's adorable. I think I've mentioned that before.

The only situation that still exists is getting to the car. That part is still rather difficult, but at least the walk is shorter and without the muddy parking lot and horrible parents. He cries when we have to leave... that part is funny to me a little bit. I need to pick him up a little earlier than the rest of the students get picked up because he tends to get overwhelmed with all the kids leaving at once and the parents all milling around. He rolls himself into a ball in the floor of the main room and parents look at me as if Benjamin were an alien. He doesn't start the screaming until we get into the parking lot, so that at least it isn't too loud. :)

Oh, and yesterday they had Chapel (which they do every Monday) and I went a little early and sat in the back so I could watch without being seen and it was too precious. The minister and the school director were putting on a puppet show for the students. Benjamin was sitting on the lap of one of his teachers and was clapping at the songs (a little after the appropriate spots, but hey, nobody is perfect) and singing. I was pleasantly surprised that he wasn't running around the aisles doing some sort of chicken dance. His teachers always have this bewildered look when I am surprised that he is "sweet" at school. Of course I do know that children always are better behaved when they are somewhere else other than home. I know this to be the definition of crazy.

New preschool

So six months ago I was scared to take Benjamin to preschool and here I've come full circle excited about taking him to a new one! We've decided to move him in attempts to avoid the transition drama this summer. This one will be closer to the house, but will obviously cost money since it is a private preschool. My time is definitely worth the money spent though, I must say. My time will especially be worth it this summer when our littlest lamb arrives. The whole evolution takes about two hours. Seriously, preschool is only three hours long. Oooh, and the best part- Benjamin finally gets to go to school in the morning and will have the ability to take an afternoon nap if needed/wanted. My goodness, we will be like normal preschoolers. What are we going to do with ourselves? I think that I might miss my Friday afternoon Mexican lunches, but I suppose I could keep him in extended care for an hour or so.... haha.

This preschool is completely mainstream, so wish us luck on that part. I think he'll do just fine.

Snapshot of our day

I would love to own one of those toddler leashes cleverly disguised as a backpack. (Or rather NOT cleverly disguised.) I'm only half kidding. Do they come in a husky size?

Benjamin genuinely needs a nap most days of the week, but alas, afternoon preschool inhibits such nap. There are days when he passes out in the car on the way home and can then be transferred to bed if I'm lucky. So needless to say, when three o'clock rolls around and I'm there to pick him up at school, he is a *nightmare*. He falls apart the minute he sees me and turns into this terror toddler that I thought I'd never have. He runs through the hallways and refuses to hold my hand in the parking lot, which is extremely busy. I basically have to inflict pain on him because I'm holding his hand/arm so tight. He screams "NO, MY HAND" all the way to the car and makes me look like some sort of child abuser. I usually just laugh because the mere thought of people thinking that I abuse my child makes me hysterical. We are the ones who get the darted glances at a special preschool. The thought of that also makes me laugh. People with disabled children are looking at us, judging us, and are secretly grateful that they aren't in my shoes. The irony of that is just off the charts to me. (Although by definition Benjamin is disabled, we have never thought of him in that sense.)

It takes about five minutes from the time that I pick him up from his class to the time that he is safely belted in to get him back to his normal self. He's half asleep by the time I leave the street the school is on. Either that or he's so wired that he shrieks and laughs at the billboards all the way home. So this five minutes of hell getting to the car is a snapshot of our day that people see and probably expect to be my normal routine with him all day. It lead me to think about the snapshots that I witness as well throughout the day with strangers and even friends. I think we all judge snapshots a little too hastily, especially with our friends. We have even higher standards for our friends and their parenting skills than we do for strangers and we judge them way too often. It really is a constant battle for most people and if they tell you otherwise they probably aren't being honest with themselves. I think this judgment of our friends comes from disappointment in their parenting skills, but really, who are we to judge?

So, my snapshot at 3:00 has been the ultimate lesson learned that things aren't always what they seem.

My soapbox

This was posted last year. I still feel the same way as I did then. Sometimes it's nice to recycle.


Okay, brace yourselves for this one...I'll just admit it to all of you now, I love my kid. I enjoy being a parent. No, this is not some sort of weird mantra.

How about using that as a conversation starter as opposed to the usual phrases... and we all know what those phrases are so I won't be posting them here. Really think about what you say about your children. They are not miniature adults and should not be spoken about as such. Most people say nicer things about their pets than their children when asked.

If you think your children have bad attitudes, take a good long look at their surroundings. What do they see? What do they hear? If I've learned anything from Benjamin it's that his bad days are my bad days.

I've never said my days were easy with Benjamin... and I have done my share of complaining about his behaviors... but never once have I resented him and the time it takes to care for him. Being a stay at home parent is challenging for anyone from time to time. Learn to embrace those challenges instead of simply complaining about them.

So I just might be on top of my soapbox, but that's what a blog is for, right? It's your choice to read it. :)