Birthday Month

Benjamin turns four next month. Four. Wow. I can't believe it's been four years. Well, I can believe it, but at the same time it seems like he should only be two or three. And honestly, sometimes it feels like he should be five or six. Oh, how I am dreading his birthday this year. It makes me sad, but not for the obvious reasons. Last year I was so sad about the whole thing that we barely even acknowledged it, although it was quite easy to do so since Warren was deployed. Holidays just sort of disappear when Warren is out of town. But anyway, so I am dreading it, and I know that I really shouldn't, but part of me just can't help myself. It might be difficult for the parent of an neurotypical parent to understand, but birthdays for special needs parents tend to be sad ones. It reminds us again that our child is another year older, but yet still so far behind. It makes us grieve for our child's future because we know what they're missing, regardless if they do or not. Most of the time I am so happy for Benjamin's progress and so grateful because we really and truly are so lucky for his health and development compared to other children with autism, but I can't help but be honest and say that it's also a sad time. Age three was a great year for him and I was comfortable with his development around strangers because there are lots of children who are three that have the same mental status as Benjamin, but not four... When people ask how old he is, part of me will want to lie and say that he's three. "Normal" four year-olds don't act like Benjamin, and I know this. People will ask how old he is and I'll have to say four and then they give me the sympathy look and will know that he's not "normal" and that makes me ache in a million places inside.

Church

Benjamin has never been to church with us before. Well, let me clarify, he's never been to service with us before and has actually never stepped foot in the sanctuary. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone reading this that he isn't exactly one of those children who could just sit there and color for an hour. We have been fortunate enough to have had a babysitter every Sunday since we've been back in VA, so we've never had the need to take him with us. And to be honest, I've never much had the desire until recently because I enjoy going to church and getting paged every ten minutes just isn't conducive to hearing the message- and let's face it, up until about age three or four, it's just childcare. There are tons of children there and half of them are crying and I really don't think they learn much except how to catch a germ. (Now for those of you reading this who are now offended, I apologize. :) He goes to a Christian preschool and he loves it, and he learns a LOT because it is organized, scheduled, and generally just awesome.)

But today, he went with me...

The children's choir performed their Christmas musical today and it was soooo sweet. I actually didn't realize it was happening this morning since we have been out so much with colds and travel. I went to the first service while Warren stayed home with sick Baby E and Bp, and I was so impressed that I left a little bit early and drove home to get Benjamin to bring him back to the second service. He was so excited to go with me to hear the children sing. He clapped after every song and said, "good job, boys and girls". He made it ever so patiently up until about 5 minutes before the ending. It was just such a happy moment for me to be able to bring him in the sanctuary to witness all the other children praising God through their voices.

A true friend

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned on fb (Isn't it interesting how popular social networks are that I feel free to type fb knowing that you will all read "facebook" while scanning the sentence. Funny.) that I was so incredibly glad that Benjamin has had such a sweet friend to play with for the past two years. (And it's also funny that they're here today driving me absolutely crazy because the baby is asleep and they are so LOUD.) I'm sure some people who read my status just read it and thought "yeah, that's great... blahblahblah". Well, I will delve a bit deeper as to why I posted that comment and why I truly, deeply meant that I absolutely adore Maddie and why she is such a special little girl.

Sometime last month I was invited by a friend to attend a support group for parents of children with disabilities. The group dynamic was extremely diverse, but the majority of the parents were those of children diagnosed with ASD. One of the parents whose child was 9 or 10 spoke up and asked the group what she should have said to her child when he asked her, "When will I get a real friend?". This mom was almost in tears asking that question and I couldn't help but to think how incredibly fortunate we have been to have had Maddie in our lives for two years. It is so important for children with ASD to have established routines and consistent interaction with the same children, and Maddie is such a gentle, smart little girl. Benjamin literally screamed around other children and clung to me for dear life before he met Maddie. From the first day that she stayed with us, he has loved her and they have been genuine friends. Their relationship has set the foundation for future relationships and for that I am infinitely indebted to the Beasley family.

bye bye Daddy

Every Thursday after speech, Benjamin and I stop by CFA and grab lunch for all of us and bring it back home. Warren is usually starving by 11am since he rarely eats breakfast, and it is sort of like a treat for him since he stays home with Ethan, whom he refers to as "the screaming baby". (He's not that bad, just so you know.) So anyway, Benjamin stole Warren's coke and was walking around the house with it and we hardly ever allow him to drink caffeinated beverages, much less one with carbonation and caffeine. We had an incident about a year ago with carbonation that was not pretty. Yuck. So, he was walking around with it and Warren was getting ready to go to work and Benjamin sits the coke on the desk way away from Warren and says "bye bye Daddy.... bye bye..." and then looks at him as if to say, "What? This is mine, not yours.".... oh my gosh it was hilarious. And I guess you would have just had to have been here to witness the whole thing, but Benjamin usually makes a big ordeal about Warren leaving for work. He follows him to the door and has a two hug minimum and sometimes a call back from the truck for one more hug. It's sweet. So for him to just say bye bye like that with his coke in hand was just a riot!

Eyes of God

Children are awesome, aren't they? They are incredibly accepting (well, until a certain age, I think) and see the most miraculous creations of God. We as adults tend to be blinded by all the complexities of life. Children truly see people and objects as God sees them. Well, Benjamin does anyway. I love that kid. And not only because he's my child, but because he is my teacher. He has taught me so much more than I could ever teach him. Sure, I'm teaching him letters, numbers, and eventually how to tie his shoes, but he is teaching me acceptance, joyfulness, and creativity.

A sampling of my personal favorites this week:

Acceptance: A little boy lives across the street from us and we've actually never met, so I can't say for sure how old he is, but he looks around seven. He walks to school, and I'm assuming that he's walking over to the local elementary school. We see him quite frequently as he leaves around the same time that we start loading up the car for preschool. He is very polite and always says good morning and generally just looks like a good kid. He is quite short and is just a wee bit chubby around the middle. (which is precious to me) Benjamin gets in the car today and rubs his tummy and says, "I like it". "What do you like, Benjamin?" "That boy. I like his tummy." and then rubs his tummy again and smiles.

Joyfulness: We love to go for walks in the afternoon, usually sometime between 3 and 4:30. This is of course the time that I should be making dinner arrangements because it takes forever to cook when you have two small children, but whatever, it makes him happy and Ethan takes a little nap in the stroller and it makes me feel better, too. Benjamin has the same routine, the same route, and it gets quite boring for me sometimes, but I don't mind too much because while we're walking I'm envisioning wearing smaller pants this winter. So as we're coming around the corner of the loop, he shouts, "Look, a purple leaf! Mommy, it's a purple leaf!" Just the look in his eyes made me completely break down in tears. And it makes me cry a little just thinking about it again. He was so incredibly joyful for this purple leaf. One purple leaf. I can't wait until the whole tree turns.

Creativity: Ethan has had a runny nose off and on for weeks now, so I've had to suction his nose with one of those bulb things. No idea what they're actually called. Benjamin walks downstairs carrying the bulb and says, "paint, Mommy, we need paint." And I ask why and he says, "for this pumpkin" and he bends the long part of this suction thing down to look like a pumpkin stem and just laughs about it. He amuses me so much.

Magic Stick

Scene: Mommy is loading dishwasher and little boy is playing in pantry.

Little Boy: Mommy, look, I have magic sticks.
Mommy: Mmhm, that's great.
Little Boy: No, Mommy, LOOK.
Mommy: Benjamin, those are batteries. That's not really a toy.
Little Boy: Yes, I know. They're magic sticks. Not a toy. A magic stick.

content

So, my little sugar buggar is doing so well. I can't even imagine life as it used to be. Benjamin is such a typical little boy now. He still has his quirks- don't misunderstand me, but he is very VERY normal from the outside perspective. He still has a delay in speaking and he does echo a lot of his language, but for right now, I am content with his development. He is such a sweet child. I really couldn't ask for more in that department.

almost voluntary vegan

So Benjamin goes without dairy, but that part is controlled by me; his lack of meat eating is controlled by him. What is it with some kids and meat? No idea where this odd behavior comes from considering that Warren is a meatatarian. I mean he should be on the Hillshire meat commercials where the guys are standing around grilling shouting "go meat!". They are seriously missing out on him being in their commercials. Maybe I should give them a call one day.

Also, is there an end to how much peanut butter a toddler will consume? I mean really. Thank God Benjamin isn't allergic to peanut butter because we'd be in some serious trouble otherwise.

GFCF for good

Benjamin ate something somewhere with either milk or wheat, or probably both considering the severity of the incident, but he was completely hysterical Wednesday. He woke up at 3am that morning and was awake until 11pm that night, which obviously made the situation a million times worse. Poor kid. Poor Mommy.

There are tons of research studies stating that the diet does or does not work, but it works 100% of the time for my child. I don't know what causes it and nor do I care, but when he ingests milk or wheat, he is a completely different child. All of his symptoms are a million times worse and his stomach is upset for days. He obviously has issues with those substances. There are so many different types of autistic behaviors and definitely a spectrum of severity, hence the Autism Spectrum Disorder label, but there has to be something to this food issue with some of the people with the condition. You'd think that with so many people affected there would be more research done on food, but for some reason researchers never want to blame food for ANYTHING. It's annoying.

Pretend play

Pretend play is HUGE in the world of autism. Either your child never grasps the concept or is extremely slow at picking it up. Benjamin is one of the lucky ones that has fully grasped the concept and it is so amazing to watch. He has done bits and pieces of it in the past couple of months, but not with any regularity. About five weeks ago he came up to me with a strawberry on the end of his finger and said "it's a pop". He calls popsicles pops. The reason why it's a big deal is because he knows that it is indeed a strawberry and not a popsicle. The significant factor is that he turned the strawberry into a pretend item. He was so incredibly pleased with himself. I actually have it on video and if I can figure out how to link it blogger then I'll post it.

Words that string into sentences

Benjamin has words upon words spilling out of his precious little mouth. Have I ever mentioned how adorable his little mouth is? Well, it is. Looks like mine if I do say so, and mine looks like my Grandmother's. That's as far back as I can go with that.

So I can't even keep up with his sentences anymore! I need to start writing them down because it's so amazing that I know I will want to look back one day soon and see how far we've come. It is always so comforting to look back at where we once were and compare it to where we are now. Benjamin started saying his first whole sentences (I love you Mommy, a cow says moo) in the middle of January. Now he's using the I, me, my, and your pronouns and it's just so strange sometimes to sit and have an actual conversation with him. He is using "W" words more often with meaning (Where the truck, Mommy?") and apparently that is a huge deal says his speech teacher. He does repeat quite a bit of words and some of his language mannerisms are definitely off a bit such as the pause between words (and this may or may not ever change), but that's okay with me. There are multitudes of parents who would love to be in my shoes and hear their child say that they love them. I am blessed beyond measure.

Wildly unpopular parenting

So the last post I touched a little on my dislike for unsolicited advice. At the end of the post I promised to post more about our choices for Benjamin and how these choices have impacted our lives. Many of our decisions are very unpopular and are met with great disdain, which always takes me by surprise because as much as I love my own friends, I don't sit around and think about how their lives are different than ours. Every family situation is unique and when you find a system that works best for your family, you should just do it regardless of how other people may feel about it. And to top it off, you shouldn't feel guilty for those decisions that you know in your heart to be the best choices for your family. And furthermore, the decisions that people make for their family should not be taken as an insult if your lifestyle or previous parenting style is a bit different. Your style is not my style and my style is not the next person's style. Again, embrace differences as just that- a difference of opinion.


One of the main decisions that we've made is about co-sleeping. I've posted on it before. Seems to still be an issue though. Benjamin was a terrible sleeper as an infant. We tried absolutely everything under the sun and when he was six weeks old, I brought him to bed with me out of pure exhaustion. For starters, I had a terrible delivery and a rough time recovering from surgery, so having an infant that quite literally required to be fed every two hours was too much for me to handle. This two hours is from start time to start time, so it was more like every hour and a half at most. I slept in his rocking chair about 75% of the time. There were days where I was so sleepy it was seriously dangerous for me to even drive. My house was a wreck (thank God I had a dishwasher) and we barely ate normal meals until he was six months old. So anyway, enough was enough, and he slept with us and was peaceful at last. He finally slept more than 5 hours a night when he was six months old. And when I tell you that we tried EVERYTHING, I am serious. Do you really think that people enjoy having their children sleep with them? A couple of years later, we learned that Benjamin is a sensory seeker and enjoys constant touch. Even to this day he sleeps better when he is right beside me. He can be clear across the bed and will move in his sleep towards me by midnight or so. No, I do not think that it works for every family or every child. Some children are wonderful sleepers and are exceptionally happy sleeping on their own. May all parents everywhere be blessed with that situation! (Maybe I can get myself one of those children one day.) Given Benjamin's medical situation, it really is the best decision as far as sleeping goes that we could have made. Being secure at night enables him to learn and grow during the day. I truly believe that co-sleeping is one of the keys that has unlocked the door to Benjamin's brain. I understand him, he understands me. People with neuro-typical children have a really hard time understanding how important that is because they have never had to deal with it first hand. Benjamin is making strides far greater than most children with autism can even dream of achieving. Statistically, he only had a 30% chance of speaking a normal language. Let's just think about that for a minute. That's 70% of people diagnosed who never speak. Isn't that something worth changing your life for? Is your child worth it to you? How much inconvenience are you willing to put up with? So you don't have as much room in your bed for a few years.... pretty small sacrifice in my book. Benjamin will eventually ask to sleep in his own bed and that will be fine with me. It's not a co-dependent relationship, trust me. In the meantime, we're okay that he is with us. Three quarters of the world agree with us.

Keeping up with the Gilliland's

The dilemma of keeping up with the Jones' materialistic style has been going on for ages and ages and I've noticed that it has spilled into the parenting world as well. I'm sure this has been going on for ages and ages as well, but I was oblivious to the parenting world for almost 28 years, so forgive me if you have made this epiphany years ago. Just nod and agree and welcome me into your "normal" world because I am feeling more abnormal as the years progress.

So my main question that I really want answered is this: When did doing what's best for YOUR child become out of fashion? Seriously, I want to know.

My second question: Why do YOU think you know what is best for a child that is not your own? Unless solicited for advice, try your best to keep it zipped tight. It's fine to have differing opinions. In fact, I applaud differing opinions as it truly makes the world go 'round. But please, unless someone specifically asks you what your opinion is on their child, keep it to yourself. (And yes, this includes the best friend, the grandparent, the neighbor, any relative at all, the nice couple at church, etc.)

James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.


This will be followed later by a more personal post on why we have made the decisions that we have made for Benjamin over the years and what has come from those decisions. Not everything we've done has been great, but we've made some wise choices for our family that are pretty unpopular. More to come.

A new song

Now I've said this before and I'm sure that I'll say it again, but Warren and I are truly blessed parents.

Benjamin is the sweetest child that I know. And of course I am saying this because I am his Mother, but really, he's quite adorable. Over the last few years, I have spent countless hours educating myself on all things autism and am finally at peace with Benjamin's diagnosis and for his future. I've been at peace with his diagnosis for quite some time really, but not so much for his future.

Everybody knows the popular song "Mighty to Save". It's on the radio, you sing it at church, it's everywhere these days. I love that song and mentioned it on this blog last year sometime. The lyric "He can move the mountains" applies to so many people. Everybody has their own mountains to move and can embrace this song. However, I want to rewrite the song lyric to "He HAS moved the mountains".

Matthew 17:20: He told them, "Because of your lack of faith. I tell you with certainty, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

We asked the mountain to move and it did. He HAS moved the mountains.

Butter

Smooth as butter! I just like butter. Eating it, talking about it, how ever I can get it. This post is actually about preschool and the transition going so well. So now that I've made you hungry...

It really could not have gone any better than it did. I only have praises of the school and his teachers. They love him, he loves them. It all works out! His last teachers loved him as well, so that part isn't a big shocker. I mean what's not to love about him? He's adorable. I think I've mentioned that before.

The only situation that still exists is getting to the car. That part is still rather difficult, but at least the walk is shorter and without the muddy parking lot and horrible parents. He cries when we have to leave... that part is funny to me a little bit. I need to pick him up a little earlier than the rest of the students get picked up because he tends to get overwhelmed with all the kids leaving at once and the parents all milling around. He rolls himself into a ball in the floor of the main room and parents look at me as if Benjamin were an alien. He doesn't start the screaming until we get into the parking lot, so that at least it isn't too loud. :)

Oh, and yesterday they had Chapel (which they do every Monday) and I went a little early and sat in the back so I could watch without being seen and it was too precious. The minister and the school director were putting on a puppet show for the students. Benjamin was sitting on the lap of one of his teachers and was clapping at the songs (a little after the appropriate spots, but hey, nobody is perfect) and singing. I was pleasantly surprised that he wasn't running around the aisles doing some sort of chicken dance. His teachers always have this bewildered look when I am surprised that he is "sweet" at school. Of course I do know that children always are better behaved when they are somewhere else other than home. I know this to be the definition of crazy.

New preschool

So six months ago I was scared to take Benjamin to preschool and here I've come full circle excited about taking him to a new one! We've decided to move him in attempts to avoid the transition drama this summer. This one will be closer to the house, but will obviously cost money since it is a private preschool. My time is definitely worth the money spent though, I must say. My time will especially be worth it this summer when our littlest lamb arrives. The whole evolution takes about two hours. Seriously, preschool is only three hours long. Oooh, and the best part- Benjamin finally gets to go to school in the morning and will have the ability to take an afternoon nap if needed/wanted. My goodness, we will be like normal preschoolers. What are we going to do with ourselves? I think that I might miss my Friday afternoon Mexican lunches, but I suppose I could keep him in extended care for an hour or so.... haha.

This preschool is completely mainstream, so wish us luck on that part. I think he'll do just fine.

Snapshot of our day

I would love to own one of those toddler leashes cleverly disguised as a backpack. (Or rather NOT cleverly disguised.) I'm only half kidding. Do they come in a husky size?

Benjamin genuinely needs a nap most days of the week, but alas, afternoon preschool inhibits such nap. There are days when he passes out in the car on the way home and can then be transferred to bed if I'm lucky. So needless to say, when three o'clock rolls around and I'm there to pick him up at school, he is a *nightmare*. He falls apart the minute he sees me and turns into this terror toddler that I thought I'd never have. He runs through the hallways and refuses to hold my hand in the parking lot, which is extremely busy. I basically have to inflict pain on him because I'm holding his hand/arm so tight. He screams "NO, MY HAND" all the way to the car and makes me look like some sort of child abuser. I usually just laugh because the mere thought of people thinking that I abuse my child makes me hysterical. We are the ones who get the darted glances at a special preschool. The thought of that also makes me laugh. People with disabled children are looking at us, judging us, and are secretly grateful that they aren't in my shoes. The irony of that is just off the charts to me. (Although by definition Benjamin is disabled, we have never thought of him in that sense.)

It takes about five minutes from the time that I pick him up from his class to the time that he is safely belted in to get him back to his normal self. He's half asleep by the time I leave the street the school is on. Either that or he's so wired that he shrieks and laughs at the billboards all the way home. So this five minutes of hell getting to the car is a snapshot of our day that people see and probably expect to be my normal routine with him all day. It lead me to think about the snapshots that I witness as well throughout the day with strangers and even friends. I think we all judge snapshots a little too hastily, especially with our friends. We have even higher standards for our friends and their parenting skills than we do for strangers and we judge them way too often. It really is a constant battle for most people and if they tell you otherwise they probably aren't being honest with themselves. I think this judgment of our friends comes from disappointment in their parenting skills, but really, who are we to judge?

So, my snapshot at 3:00 has been the ultimate lesson learned that things aren't always what they seem.

My soapbox

This was posted last year. I still feel the same way as I did then. Sometimes it's nice to recycle.


Okay, brace yourselves for this one...I'll just admit it to all of you now, I love my kid. I enjoy being a parent. No, this is not some sort of weird mantra.

How about using that as a conversation starter as opposed to the usual phrases... and we all know what those phrases are so I won't be posting them here. Really think about what you say about your children. They are not miniature adults and should not be spoken about as such. Most people say nicer things about their pets than their children when asked.

If you think your children have bad attitudes, take a good long look at their surroundings. What do they see? What do they hear? If I've learned anything from Benjamin it's that his bad days are my bad days.

I've never said my days were easy with Benjamin... and I have done my share of complaining about his behaviors... but never once have I resented him and the time it takes to care for him. Being a stay at home parent is challenging for anyone from time to time. Learn to embrace those challenges instead of simply complaining about them.

So I just might be on top of my soapbox, but that's what a blog is for, right? It's your choice to read it. :)

Honey, we lost the toys!

Wouldn't it be nice to lose some of the toys your children accumulate? I find myself picking up toys all day long in almost every room of the house. We bought Benjamin blocks because that is just what parents are supposed to do, right? We're supposed to encourage their block stacking skills. Something inside us makes us drive to the store and buy these awful, multiplying-on-their-own-at-night toys. We squeal with delight when our children learn to stack them! We certainly squeal later on as well when we're stepping all over them and almost break our necks falling down.

Oh, but to see the joy in your child's eye when he sees a number he recognizes on the block and brings it over to show you and shouts, "FOUR!" is ever so worth nearly breaking your neck.

Sharing: a four letter word

How did we get to the age of three without major sharing battles? We thought that we were sooo lucky because Benjamin never snatched toys from other children and hardly minded when they played with his toys- even his favorite ones! We thought that he just knew that the toys were his and that the kids were only borrowing them. HA! How funny a statement is that? A toddler born having the ability to share. How hilarious.

It started about two weeks ago on a Friday afternoon. I picked him up from school and he was beyond irritable because he still needs a nap, but afternoon preschool starts at 12 and ends at 3, so that leaves no time for a nap. He could use one about every other day or every day if he nighttime sleep was less than adequate. So there we were, wrestling in the parking lot with each other (almost quite literally) and trying to load up to go home. I moved his cup from one hand to the other so I could snap the car seat and he screamed, "NO, MY CUP!". I sat for a moment and looked at him and sort of chalked it up to him being sleepy because he'd never said that before in the thousand times or so that I'd done the very same thing to his cup. All in the name of safe driving, I tell you. Sheesh.

The next Monday I pick him up and go to grab his book bag and he runs at me and yells, "NO, MY BACKPACK" and almost starts crying about it. I mean seriously, does the kid really think that I'm going to take his backpack from him? Yes, I think he really does.

He adores his friend Maddie who comes over several times a week. There are a few specific toys that are entirely off-limits to her now. Bless her heart. I'm thinking of just putting them up because neither one of them really understand that the other isn't out to get them. Benjamin thinks that Maddie is trying to take the toy home forever and ever and Maddie thinks that Benjamin is just being mean and not sharing. Sometimes it just isn't worth the arguments over silly toys. They do love each other and are happily content 95% of the time, so I think that is a nice percentage for two toddlers. :)

I'm not saying that preschool caused these out bursts, but um, yeah, I'm saying that they did. It was bound to happen sooner or later, and it is odd with us that it is happening much later than the normal age for toddlers. He's around more children at school and more children equals greater the tendency for snatching toys. Having said that, Benjamin truly needs social interaction with children. He needs to learn how to cooperate and handle social situations and that is something that I could never provide at home. I can teach him a million things, but learning how to make friends with peers is something that has to come from consistent time with other children at school. I would include church, but the children and time there isn't consistent enough for him. He needs to see the same faces and locations over and over.

So sharing is now a four letter word in our house according to Benjamin. I know, this too shall pass.

Autism, first signs and symptoms

Over the past 14 months, people have asked us why we "thought" Benjamin was autistic. After dealing with the grieving part of the diagnosis (and trust me, it is a grieving process for many people), and after fully acknowledging the diagnosis, we used to take that question with insult. With time, we have come to realize that it is actually a compliment to his therapists and all the time that we have invested into his well-being. Surely all those books I read were for something other than being more educated. Usually the next questions that people tend to ask are, "What were the first symptoms" and "Do you think my child should be evaluated?". I will tell you that even though I am an expert at Benjamin's symptoms, I am not an expert on all things autistic. I can explain why we originally had Benjamin tested and hopefully that will clear up some questions and/or confusion as to why we "thought" he was autistic when he was diagnosed, which was 21 months.

First off, I will explain the criteria and the testing that is involved. The testing is quite extensive if performed by an actual team of doctors. It genuinely takes a team of people to diagnosis this disorder (especially if your child is at a young age) and if you ever receive a diagnosis from a single person, please seek counsel with another practice. The team usually consists of a Developmental Pediatrician, a Speech Pathologist, and a Pediatric Psychologist. If you were referred to this team by another Speech Pathologist, you may not see that particular field represented again. The child basically is tested in the form of play. You can see an abbreviated list of the test at http://www.firstsigns.org/downloads/m-chat.PDF. The actual list that the doctors use is much more extensive and takes about an hour or so depending on how cooperative the child is. Benjamin's test and evaluation disclosure took about two hours. If you have found yourself getting evaluated by your local school system (if you used their services for speech delay or any other delays), you owe it to your child to go and see an actual M.D. for further testing. They use the same types of tests, but insurance companies require a diagnosis from a doctor. Having said that, the school system will help you regardless of a diagnosis, but the world opens up to children with something in writing from a doctor. And when I say the world opens up, I'm talking about money for therapy- it's all about the bottom dollar with insurance companies.

Note that some of these symptoms were not immediately recognized by either Warren or myself. Also, please do not be alarmed if your child has similar symptoms in some of the categories, which are social skills, language, and behavior. Some of the symptoms fit that of autistic children and that of neurotypical children- it's the number of symptoms in each category of the test that makes the difference. The label of Autistic Spectrum Disorder is just that- a spectrum, which means that some children will have some symptoms, some will have most symptoms, or in the rare occasion, some will have all the symptoms. Some of Benjamin's symptoms are pronounced and some are barely mentionable. And one more thing, all autistic children have sensory issues, but not all sensory issues label a child autistic. Children with slight language delay or no language delay at all with strong sensory issues tend to get diagnosed later in their life. That is another topic altogether.

Okay, so on to Benjamin's symptoms.

Social Skills:
1. Failed to point at the given milestone. This can be from pointing to pictures in a book to pointing to objects that the child finds interesting. Benjamin hated being read to. He had no interest and would push a book away when he was old enough to do so. He also did not look at things when we pointed either. Apparently this milestone is one of the more important ones.

2. Failed to make eye contact at the appropriate level. Neither one of us realized that Benjamin hardly looked at people. This isn't necessarily like the kids that you see on television- it isn't as if his eyes were all over the place and he couldn't focus. He just simply looked at other things when you were talking to him. Benjamin would look at you on HIS terms, and this is where we missed this milestone because he would in fact look at you.

3. Failed to recognize his name. Benjamin would turn to look at you when you spoke to him at the appropriate milestone marker, but we later learned that he was just looking up at the sound of our voice. He didn't recognize his name until 24 months and didn't acknowledge his name out loud until 33 months.

4. We had Benjamin's hearing tested at 18 months because we thought that he might have a hearing disorder. His behavior seemed to indicate that he simply couldn't hear you at times. He scored well within range of all the categories, but he did score below average in the low tones. It is difficult to administer a hearing test at 18 months and it was hard to decipher if he was simply bored with that part of the test or didn't hear the tones. He has since scored average in that category. He could always hear normal voice tones though.

5. At 18 months, Benjamin would not play with other children. He would sit in my lap when exposed to other children and refuse to interact with them. In fact, if another child even spoke to Benjamin, he would cling to me for dear life, bury his face, and scream.

6. (I think this one is listed as social) Benjamin did not do pretend play. This is another huge milestone that we missed. I didn't realize that not pretending to feed a baby, or a bear, or whatever you ask them to do that isn't real is a big deal. I just figured that he knew it wasn't real and what was the point? Autistic children are concrete thinkers- they know the bear isn't real and that they won't drink from the cup. They don't understand why you want them to make a fake bear drink.

Language: Note that it isn't necessarily the lack of language, but rather how language is used once acquiring the skills.

1. Benjamin said his first official word at 12-13 months and that was duck. He met all of the milestones for babbling and actually babbled excessively as an infant. He passed the "mama/dada" milestone with ease. By the time he was 16 months, he had "lost" all of his words, and what is meant by that is he completely stopped using them. He started grunting and pointing at 19 months or so. We saw his pediatrician for an ear infection at 18 months and were immediately referred to the Speech Pathologist, who immediately referred us to the Neuro Developmental Pediatrician.

2. Eye contact is listed again under language skills, but it is intended to correlate with making eye contact when speaking. Benjamin didn't speak, so obviously this category was checked because he neither spoke nor looked at you.

3. Benjamin has always had a pretty voice. Even babbling at 8 months, people would comment on how sweet his voice sounded. Later, this would turn into the "sing songy" category and now he still responds better if you sing your requests or questions to him.

4. Once gaining the ability to speak, Benjamin would repeat words over and over. This obviously didn't occur when he was diagnosed since he had no words, but since then he repeats phrases verbatim and uses them out of context rather frequently. For example, he will come up to you randomly and say "Yes, baby?" and this is him repeating me after another time when he will come up and say, "Mommy?". He uses the same inflection in his voice as when I ask him a question.


Behavior:

1. Benjamin was an early hand flapper. We thought that it was adorable when he was an infant. We have it on video actually. He would get on his knees and flap his hands and laugh and laugh. This obviously made us laugh and laugh. Note that stereotypes about handflapping do not necessarily correspond with what you see on television. (again, bad tv!) The kids on tv who handflap do not look happy. Benjamin was always happy when he did this. And also, it should be labeled arm flapping because it actually looks more like they're trying to fly versus just flapping their hands.

2. Benjamin moved constantly. We said so many times when he was an infant that he had baby ADHD. Now this we most definitely knew was different because we had other children to compare him to. We thought that he was oh so smart because he was always on the go, always exploring, always getting into something. We actually had to hold his hands when he was an infant because him own stimulation kept him from falling asleep. He still falls asleep quicker if you tuck him in to where his movement is restricted. (We untuck him after he falls asleep though.)

3. Benjamin loved to line anything up starting at 15 or 16 months. Now people always try to dispute me on this one because everybody knows a child that lines things up. Okay, now, the difference is that Benjamin would insist that these toys be lined up in a specific order and would get extremely irritated if you rearranged them. It's hardly likely that a neurotypical child at 16 months would spend that kind of time and energy lining up cars. They all had to be facing the right way. Benjamin was very intense with this.

4. Benjamin loved to spin the wheels of a large truck. Again, lots of people dispute this one, but it is more the way that the child plays with the toy rather than the act of spinning wheels. He would almost only spin the wheels of the truck and not play with the entire truck itself. He didn't roll the truck until 25 months. That thought just never occurred to him, and it isn't for lack of seeing them being rolled.

5. Benjamin hated loud noises. The vacuum cleaner would send him into a panic attack. Seriously, he would run to you and act as if he thought that the vacuum cleaner would eat him alive. He still hates the vacuum, but now he says the word "noise" and has a disgusted look on his face. Sometimes he still cries when we get it out. Any type of loud noise still bothers him to the point past that of a little distraction.

6. Benjamin was completely oblivious to pain. He could fall outside and be bloody from his knees down and not acknowledge it. He didn't run to us for comfort or act like it hurt in the least little bit. (This changed later when we altered his diet.) We thought we had ourselves a tough little guy.

7. Benjamin did not know how to appropriately play with his toys. Regular toys held little interest to him. This is why he has a billion toys. We thought that he just didn't like the toys that we had for him, even though they were definitely age appropriate. Most toys just frustrated him because they wouldn't do what he tried to make them do.


The classic behaviors that Benjamin had that did NOT fit autism were:
1. Benjamin loved to snuggle and demanded contact.
2. He did not enjoy sustained play.
3. He did not display excessive tantrums. (still doesn't thank goodness)
4. He smiled all the time. He laughed, he had fun, he was always a sweet child.
5. He understood body language. You smile, he smiled. Mad faces would illicit tears.
6. His muscle tone has always been extraordinary.


Benjamin achieved many milestones incredibly early and Warren and I thought that we had ourselves a baby genius. He was very strong as a newborn and infant. He could hold his head up at 2 days for extended periods of time. He was an extremely proficient crawler at 5 1/2 months. He could roll both ways in a locomotion fashion at 3 months. He was/is extremely mechanical. He is constantly figuring out how things work and how to use one toy to manipulate another toy. We took the handle off of our computer desk when he was 12 months old because he kept figuring out how to open the door and turn the computer off. He found a pencil somewhere in a different room and went high tailing to the computer, stuck it in the hole where the handle used to be, and opened the cabinet. This was at 12 months I tell you! Things like that were just so normal to us that we didn't really realize that they were abnormal. There are just so many things that were unusual that we didn't catch until later.

Benjamin has been through speech therapy for a year and has made vast improvements. His diet is gluten free/casein free and that has made more difference than anything else we've done. So I hope that clears up any questions that you may have. If not, there are some awesome websites out there. One of the more in depth ones-

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/autism/complete-index.shtml

Cooties

Belong at home. Please don't think that we all want your cooties. This is one thing that children really aren't required to share. Actually, I invite you to pamper yourself and the rest of your family to your own cooties. Have some "me" time with them regardless if you've earned them or not. It's okay, really. We won't mind this one time. Honest.

Wal-mart

Let me start off by saying that we don't frequent Wal-mart that often, and especially not with Benjamin in tow. So the other day Benjamin was sitting at the computer watching a Thomas episode and he switched the screen to Facebook and pointed to the ad on the side and said, "Wal-mart". I thought maybe it was a fluke and I just looked at him and he said it again. I asked him where was Wal-mart and he pointed to the ad. That is the craziest thing, isn't it? He rarely watches any television with commercials, so it is doubtful that it came from there.

Somehow that place can get inside the brain of a child who can't read. :)

A true blessing

Preschool is working out marvelously. Who would have thought? Benjamin now tells me to "sit down, circle time" and it is the cutest thing ever. EVER. I mean baby bunnies and ducks do not even begin to compare with this kid. (I do like fluffy animals though.) I was watching a video of him from over the summer and fall and it really hit me how many words he has now compared to then. We still get excited over a single new word like we're brand spanking new parents with their new baby learning how to coo and smile. I know that I say this often, but perspective plays such a big role in parenting a child with any type of special need.

Benjamin has one classmate whom I have never heard speak a single word and she is rather frail looking. I'm not really at liberty to ask the teacher what her condition is, but I'm assuming it's probably more than speech. Most of the kids at the school are at a minimum significantly speech delayed. Last week, we were coming out of the library to join up with the rest of the kids from Bp's class (All of the other kids ride a bus to school, but I'm just not interested in that just yet.) and she shouted "Ben!". And now we all know that we never, EVER call him Ben at home, but I let it slide at school. I know he'll probably go by Ben as an adult, but he'll always be Benjamin to us. His sweet teacher said that she'd never heard this little girl speak that loudly about anything. She said all of the children in the class just love Benjamin and they have all adopted him and that he brings out the best in all of them. Um, I'd give that a A for socialization!

Benjamin really is a sweet child. I have read many books on autism and the positive and negative effects on children. Benjamin has truly absorbed all of the positive effects and very, very little of the negative ones. I seriously do not know a more compassionate child than Benjamin, autistic or not. It is really rare to find an autistic child with compassion, empathy, and outward love for others. We are so blessed to have him as our child.