Birthday Month

Benjamin turns four next month. Four. Wow. I can't believe it's been four years. Well, I can believe it, but at the same time it seems like he should only be two or three. And honestly, sometimes it feels like he should be five or six. Oh, how I am dreading his birthday this year. It makes me sad, but not for the obvious reasons. Last year I was so sad about the whole thing that we barely even acknowledged it, although it was quite easy to do so since Warren was deployed. Holidays just sort of disappear when Warren is out of town. But anyway, so I am dreading it, and I know that I really shouldn't, but part of me just can't help myself. It might be difficult for the parent of an neurotypical parent to understand, but birthdays for special needs parents tend to be sad ones. It reminds us again that our child is another year older, but yet still so far behind. It makes us grieve for our child's future because we know what they're missing, regardless if they do or not. Most of the time I am so happy for Benjamin's progress and so grateful because we really and truly are so lucky for his health and development compared to other children with autism, but I can't help but be honest and say that it's also a sad time. Age three was a great year for him and I was comfortable with his development around strangers because there are lots of children who are three that have the same mental status as Benjamin, but not four... When people ask how old he is, part of me will want to lie and say that he's three. "Normal" four year-olds don't act like Benjamin, and I know this. People will ask how old he is and I'll have to say four and then they give me the sympathy look and will know that he's not "normal" and that makes me ache in a million places inside.