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Jail

This is the conversation we had when we arrived home from gymnastics this morning:

Bp:  Mommy, I wasn't strapped in.
Me:  Benjamin, I heard it click.
Bp:  I unstrapped it.
Me:  (in my most serious voice)  Benjamin, that is very unsafe and Mommy could go to jail for that.
Bp:  (in his most serious voice)  That's good to know.  But Mommy, I would come and get you if you were in jail.
Me:  That's also good to know.  I appreciate that.  But please don't do that again.

Angels

I know that you'll probably all think that I'm crazy, but perhaps not.  Maybe you've noticed this yourself with your own children.  When Benjamin was very small (less than 4), and a story was read to him about angels, he would comment that he liked angels.  Now, being a little skeptical, I would ask him what an angel was, and he would always respond with a description of their wings.  I'd ask if he saw angels during the day and he would always respond with "during the sunny day" (he still says this part), which means in the morning to him.  So okay, sure, why not see angels during the morning?  It's always been my favorite part of the day, and I really miss waking up early (completely well rested, mind you) and being outside.  But back to the story, the point is that he has always commented on angels, and has always seemed to know what they were.  I have no idea if he knows or has ever known what their purpose is in our lives, but he loves them.  And then a funny story...

So he loves reading out of his Bible.  I'm not even bragging about this because it isn't as if I have made huge encouragements for him to do so.  It's not ME at all, even though that would be nice if it were.  We have several children's Bibles, but one in particular is more of a big kid type Bible, and he favors that one the most lately.  It has 512 pages.  I know.  He will look at it for an hour if he's left alone with no distractions.  This is a VERY long time for him to do anything.  So the other night he wants me to read it to him before bed, and we get to one of the stories with an angel, and he says, "I wish I had wings."  And I was sort of paying attention, and sort of reading, and I said, "Oh, like an angel?"  The response was laughter and, "No, like a helicopter."  So part of laughed and part of me cringed because it was a signal that he's growing up.  There are reasons that God lets the very young see angels- they have no reason to doubt their existence.  He still loves to read about angels, but he doesn't talk about them anymore.  

He is growing up so quickly, and so many big kid mentalities are creeping in.  It's a bittersweet time, but mostly just sweet.  He sits and plays video games on his ipad, and says cool and awesome with regularity.  He wants to sit with Daddy and play his "fight man game" (which btw isn't like gruesome or anything, although the characters are a bit too shady for my liking) when he really should be going to bed.  We have pics of his birthday coming up! 

Candy

B:  (said while pulling up shirt) My baby needs candy.

Me:  Well, babies like healthy foods like bananas and strawberries.

B:  My baby certainly likes candy.

Selfish girl.

So yesterday, I realized how selfish I really am, and it was such a horrible feeling. 

Benjamin is just over the line of being completely functional, and sometimes I get annoyed by the small things in our life that are inconvenient.  For example, he has a few OCD tendencies, and nothing major (yet) like the typical hand washing or turning on lights over and over.  Most of them are actually quite common, and apply to lots of neurotypical children as well.  So sometimes they annoy me, and especially so if I'm tired, or hungry, or thirsty, or if the sky is blue, or... ha, no, it's not that bad, but it's hard being pregnant and having a baby that is getting increasingly heavy and still wakes up two or three times a night on most nights.  So my patience gets thin, and as with any child, patience is something that you really do not want to run out of at any time.  And on top of it, I had contractions yesterday afternoon, so that made it a bit worse.  (I'm fine.) 

When I say that we've been potty training for years, I'm not kidding.  He gets better, he gets great, he's at rock bottom again, he gets better, etc.  It's just like anything that we've ever had to do with him, but since it's affecting us more, it's a major issue these days.  And he's turning five in a few months, and just thinking about that makes me cry and grieve all over again.  I hate birthdays, I do.  I'm not some crazy "I hate parties" Mom, I promise.  It's just that parties bring birthdays front and center, and sometimes it's just easier for me not to acknowledge that he's another year older.  It's hard to explain to people who have "normal" children because these types of thoughts just never enter their minds.  They're usually worrying about their kid being able to read in kindergarten, and here I am, still worrying about him using the potty.  Textbooks will tell you it's just part of the grieving process, and I do agree with that... sometimes it's just harder than others.

So I'm sitting there, irritated with him, and I remember that he's so small.  And he's only small once.  And he might not ever be completely potty trained.  One day he will grow up, and I don't want him to remember the irritation in my voice.  He knows it irritates me, and he is trying... some things are just harder for him, and he knows that without having it explained to him, which brings up a whole lot of other issues about self-realization that he's different.

And this rarely happens, but I wished my life different... and it's such a horrible feeling.  Benjamin is such a sweet child, and God gave him to me specifically.  So basically, I wished that God had given him to someone else.  Given my Benjamin to someone else.  I was heart broken for myself for even thinking of such a selfish notion.

I am reminded that all children are a gift.  

fairness

Sometimes I wonder what is fair for my child in terms of explaining his disability.  Should I just tell people?  Or should I just let him be who is, and then let them wonder?  Part of me wants to do both, but usually I just inevitably say nothing and hope for the best.  I'm way past making excuses for his behavior, and I have the luxury of doing so because he is still a young child.  Not that I'm fearful for the future (Well, obviously I am a tiny bit.  I doubt that you'd find any parent who isn't at least a little fearful.), but I know that there will be a time in our future where people will start to notice that he's a bit different.  People do notice now, of course, but most people can't quite put their finger on it since his language skills have progressed so nicely.  So I never really know what the best answer is when we meet new people.  I'm always thinking in my heart that the best answer is that he's special, but that has such a bad connotation because people use that to mean "slow."  Benjamin is most emphatically not slow.  Neurotypical learning impaired, yes.  Slow, no.  Special?  Most definitely.

(as I'm being backwards bear-hugged)

Socialization?

So Benjamin had his yearly checkup with his developmental doctor a few weeks ago.  All is well- in fact, we don't have to go back for two years unless we have issues arise before then.  The interesting part of the visit was that the doctor was surprised that we were homeschooling this year.  (He is still in pre-k, just FYI.)  Her concern was that he needed to be in a group for socialization.  Why do all doctors think that this is the best choice for children with Autism?  What skills are we actually teaching by this so-called socialization?  Children in school are really only permitted to socialize in lunch (if they're uber quiet) and at recess (which is waning by the minute in every school around the nation).  I don't understand this mass socialization that is supposed to help my child learn how to relate to other people later in life.  Do we as adults socialize in groups of 8-30 on a regular basis?  And I'm saying 8 as the minimum number of children in a class, although in reality the number is much more generous than that in almost all classes.  I never understood this concept of mass socialization as it does not encourage real friendships, but rather fleeting conversations that never amount to anything but getting invited to three thousand birthday parties where the parents are forced to stand around and make small talk and referee the children from each other.  Because honestly, most parents of children have nothing in common (or so they think) with each other other than the fact that their children are in the same class.  Very few people actually want to befriend other parents in the classroom.  They want to live their busy lives, keep the friends they have, and leave it at that.  (I'm not saying that is a terrible thing, but rather just reality.)  But what this leaves us with are forced friendships amongst our children that never amount to much of anything.  So why is this socialization at SCHOOL so important?  I thought that school was primarily for learning, and isn't that exactly why children tend to get into trouble at school?  For socializing when they're supposed to be paying attention in class?  This concept just escapes me.

I just smiled and said yes, he is properly socialized and has real friends whose parents I know and love.